A personal reflection on changing the past.
“What I want is for it to not have happened at all.”
This is the complicated response to a deep dive into why I have such a hard time disengaging from negative relationships. The last 3 years have been a time of evaluating why I continue to participate in all manner of relationships with people that I do not benefit from, respect, admire and often don’t like. I tend towards the dynamic of loving someone much more than they love me, and doing things for people who would not only not do the same for me, they actively treat me poorly. I stay in these relationships well after I know they don’t serve me.
I have come to the conclusion that I am desperately hoping to change the past. I want them to say or do something to undo the pain I’m experiencing. They can’t. There is no amount of apologizing that can undo the damage of being willing to actively do things that they knew would hurt me. The unpleasant truth is, often - even if they did change, the damage is already done. Staying in the hope that; they genuinely acknowledge how much they hurt me, put in the effort to avoid hurting me in the future, and love me more, is only prolonging the agony. Most people only put in enough effort to keep you, and when I didn’t leave the 1st or the 723 time they hurt me, there is no incentive to work harder.
I have found that toxic people have one thing in common. Their whole identity becomes wrapped up protecting their version of reality. Misery really does love company. All the denial, gaslighting, projecting, manipulation and lying is a desperate attempt to keep you active in their miserable existence. They can’t admit the ways they’ve harmed you, because once they acknowledge the truth in any area, their reality starts cracking. The ultimate irony is , they work just as hard to keep their status quo, as they would to start healing; resulting in the perpetuation of a painful cycle and potentially still ending up alone.
It only takes one person, in any type of relationship, to start doing the inner work. The more you heal, the less tolerable unhealed behavior becomes. Additionally, the more you take accountability and focus on yourself, the less you care about anyone else’s validation. This dynamic leads to the ability to step away from negative relationships. You no longer are seeking approval or affection from external parties and therefore switch your energy from trying to be seen and heard, to disconnecting from anyone who resists self awareness and radical honesty. When the focus shifts internally, the desire becomes cultivating positive, growth oriented, mutually beneficial relationships.
Given the above, the solution is to no longer participate in interactions that will lead to me wishing it had never happened at all. The implementation is to discontinue relationships earlier in the progression. This is where the concept of knowing your worth is birthed. My new standard is 2 times. The first time you hurt me in a specific way, I will clearly and directly communicate that to you. If you do it a second time, you have shown me that I don’t matter to you the same way you matter to me, and I will no longer invest. Additionally, I have identified areas that are hard nos for me. I will step away immediately in those instances.
