Excerpt from the Book
Excerpt from 'The Book I Needed'
I have come to accept, that some people are seriously committed to their version of me. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship we have. There are people that will double and triple and quadruple down on their perception of me, even when confronted with evidence that I am not who they say I am, or haven’t done what they say I did. They will gaslight, rewrite history, take moments out of context and lie, to back up their perspective. This triggers an internal compulsion in me, an almost obsessive need to make them understand they are wrong. Cue desperate, disregulated emotions and crazy, inappropriate, out of character, out of control behavior. The more the other person insists I am what I know I am not, or did what I knew I didn’t, or said that I did or didn’t say what I didn’t or did say, the faster and harder I crash. I lash out and flail around in desperation and in some instances, I ultimately spiraled into a suicidal mess believing I can’t trust my own mind and feeling completely hopeless and crazy, frantically just trying to make it stop. I am unable to comprehend how my genuinely good intentions, expressing my feelings, voicing a need, making a suggestion, my very existence, could morph into a nasty altercation and a false narrative.
The truth is, they already know they are wrong. They already know who I am. That’s why they are drawn to me as well. However, once engaged, my very existence becomes a cataclysmic threat. There is nothing more regulating to a toxic person, than making someone who threatens their delusional reality, cower and break. If they admit to themselves or anyone else that I am not what they say I am, their whole identity and narrative, then gets called into question. That is an incredibly powerful motivator for someone who is avoiding responsibility for themselves, or benefits from an unhealthy relationship dynamic. It is also why I can’t comprehend it. Everything in me wants authenticity, accountability, growth. I am not afraid to look at the most shameful parts of myself, face the damage I’ve done and do better.
I have worked really hard to do the mental work that allows me to stay present in the midst of emotional disregulation. To stand still as the chaos swirls and observe without reacting. I have spent countless hours trying to wrap my head around the complicated factors to the the above mentioned relationship(s), and why I consistently end up in situations where this is a prevalent dynamic. The why is much simpler than I expected. I participate in that kind of relationship because I want to. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t. Why I want to, well, that’s the complicated part, albeit psychologically… textbook. When I started being radically honest with myself about what I get out of that kind of relationship, I went from feeling out of control and helpless, to realizing I have a lot of control, maybe even some power. In a shocking plot twist, I realized that if I refuse to engage in toxic relationships, I don’t spend any time stuck in the consequences, partially created by my own toxic behavior. In general, healthy people don’t get into bad relationships, because, boundaries.
Being authentic, vulnerable, fallible, and accountable, is hard. It’s terrifying. Radical honesty to and about myself is a constant commitment. It is choosing emotional sobriety, and requires my full acknowledgment that toxicity and drama are a powerful drug of choice. The chemical drop in the relief phase of a push/pull relationship is a high I’ll never replicate. My tendency towards internal destruction, enmeshment, and preemptively people pleasing, make me an ideal partner for people who are externally destructive, emotionally unavailable and narcissistic. External chaos is seductive. It calls to me, a physical tug in my blood, a welcome distraction from my internal chaos. The kindness, love and approval of a person that matters to me, in the aftermath of a toxic altercation is familiar and comforting and it feels like home. What no one thinks to say, is that a person feeling like home is not a good thing when your home was tumultuous and destructive.
The irony is, it actually hurts worse, and for longer, to stay in the dysfunction. Additionally, pretty close to 100% of the scenarios that happen that trigger this anxious need to defend myself, are scenarios, that are so lopsided the only person that would say I’m out of line, is the other person involved. They are literally depending on my integrity, my judgement, my love of my family, commitment for personal growth and desire for peace to keep the narrative one sided. It’s pretty much a guarantee that if someone is doing me wrong, I am not defending or sharing my side of it publicly, and maybe not even privately. Therefore, I am also dependent on the opposing person, who is benefiting from my distress, to provide feedback about my responses, becoming the embodiment of conflict of interest. These types of relationships are painful. In most of my relationships that follow this pattern, the other person is someone that I would swear I loved. Yet, when I step back and think about it objectively, the reality is they don’t have anything I want, they don’t provide me with anything I need, I don’t want be like them, and I am embarrassed to be associated with someone who treats others they way they do. For whatever reason, this part is the worst for me, I have an incredibly hard time admitting to myself that I don’t like someone and I don’t want to continue any kind of association. My deepest fear is not that I’m not better off without them, it’s that I am. Somehow, that’s more heartbreaking.
When someone does me dirty, and especially when other people support them, without knowing my perspective, it feels like they win, like there are no consequences, no justice, like karma is taking her time, they didn’t reap what they sowed. I really struggle with “the best revenge is living well” concept. I’m not really a revenge type girl. I don’t want anyone to feel as bad as I have. I don’t wish the level of self loathing and despair I have experienced on the person who has done me the worst. What I actually want is to never have been treated wrong in the first place. Given that I haven’t yet mastered time travel, that leaves me one option, heal. Fix the parts of me that gravitate towards unhealthy relationships and walk away from any I still have that are or become negative. The temporary pain of letting go of people who aren’t for me, is infinitely better than the daily anguish that accompanies clinging to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me.
That’s the lesson. It isn’t about being the bigger person, it isn’t about them at all. It is about being a better person, and that is about me. Doing right doesn’t have to be defended. The person doing wrong doesn’t have to agree that they did. Someone saying something about me doesn’t make it true. Someone telling or manipulating other people to believe them about me, isn’t something I even have to address. I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t need to “warn” the rest of the world about how nasty this person is. That’s the truth about pathologically toxic people, they don’t change, and anyone in their lives are in line to be the next target. Manipulation is a superior survival tool, one that I can grudgingly respect. However, it only works for people who are content in toxic dynamics, or are fighting to survive. I can only be manipulated if I stay involved. I am no longer interested in cultivating unhealthy relationships, or simply surviving. I am interested in living. I’m also no longer want to be involved with anyone who I have to prove anything about myself too. Given that, I then I don’t need them to see me, understand my perspective, and I don’t need their agreement to validate my experience. As hard as it is, the price of true freedom is my ego, and freedom is #goals. When I’m not spending my time trying to convince someone, who doesn’t have anything I want or need, anything about me, I am left with a lot of time.
Time that now gets to be spent living my best life. 🖤🖤🖤
